1. Samus Aran- Bane of Space Pirates
An image search for Samus Aran brings up an barrage of slutty, anime porn that do not remotely represent the main character of the Metroid series as she is portrayed in game. Ok, so, if you die your suit explodes off of your body which is just silly and she is wearing a bikini underneath so grumble grumble grumble... But, considering she started out as a tiny pixelated person, I can understand the limitations of accurately representing her as a female. Samus Aran is possibly one of the coolest characters around. She has a gun that is attached to her arm for which you receive a number of different upgrade. She can morph into a ball which originally came about because of the limitations of graphics. It was too difficult to show a cyborg crawling so why not turn into a ball! The game atmosphere and the fact that Samus ends up being a lady happened to be inspired by the film "Alien". The game creators worked diligently to make sure that Samus wasn't cheapened by being exploited in a sexual way and to me they were incredibly successful, especially in the face of games like "Final Fantasy X-2" and "Tomb Raider". I just finished Metroid Fusion and, forgive my nerd exposure for a moment but I have beaten some of the hardest bosses of my young life. Samus is an orphan found by one of the most adorable races of all time, the Chozo. While, according to Wikipedia, "her popularity among fans has helped her top several lists of the best video game heroines of all-time" I would say that she is more than worthy of being ranked in the top 5 on the coed lists as well. At 6'3 and 198lbs she is a big momma, an amazon, a kick ass ex employee of the GFP. (Galactic Federation Police) Her planet and family were destroyed by the Space Pirates. After her adoption by the Chozo she was infused with their DNA and trained to be a warrior. She was given her power suit which entwines with her body and mind and now she is a free lance bounty hunter. I wonder if she has to say she's self employed on her taxes?
2. Hatshepsut- Bane of failure
The 5th pharaoh of the 18th Dynasty of Ancient Egypt and considered the most successful of the female pharaohs, Hatshepsut became pharaoh 1479 BC and ruled for roughly 22 years. Managing to restore wealth to Egypt by revitalizing trade and also maintaining peace (even though it is said she was successful in her warfare early on in her reign) it seemed Hatshepsut was the muscle behind much growth and development. She was responsible for advancements in architecture among the Egyptian people that remained unrivaled for quite some time. She was also the best at producing and controlling her own PR, letting the people know of her accomplishments and keeping impeccable records (As the Egyptians often did. Just a side note here but do you think that should have become a negative stereo type eventually? Like employers harassing their secretaries, "Yeah she keeps records like she's Egyptian or something!" Nah probably not.) She dressed in a strange combination of clothing considered female while wearing the false beard, typically reserved for male pharaohs. Eventually, she would go on to adopt complete male dress. Within the meat of her story there is an incredible evolution of her power. There is much evidence to suggest that her rule was not as appreciated by her, very male and much less productive, successors. The line of Thutmose was slightly bitter because Thutmose III, whom at the time was the next male in line for the throne even though he was only considered royal by marriage, wasn't old enough to take over. Hathepsut, whose blood was purely royal, took the throne and acted as queen regent in conjunction with Thutmose III. She would go on to rule on her own without the restrictions of consulting the young, would be king and even went so far as to change some documents to suggest that she actually was male. After her death, images of her were chiseled off of walls, her body hidden and not placed within royal tombs. Isn't it interesting that Thutmose III would do that when he finally got control? Was she felled by some great conspiracy? Did Thutmose III have her killed because of her success? No. Actually, she died of an abscessed tooth that the doctors pulled. So, before the time of antibiotics and dental care, her life was ended. There's really so much more to go on about here but I have more ladies to talk about!
3. Sonja Blue- Bane of Vampires
Sonja Blue is the main character of many books by author Nancy A. Collins but my personal favorite is "A Dozen Black Roses." She is a vampire. She has an enchanted, pure silver, straight razor that has a dragon on the handle. She wears mirrored sunglasses all the time to hide her blood red eyes. She dresses like a bad ass. Ratty leather jacket, torn jeans, usually a punk band t-shirt, doc martens and her hair is described as "a tortured cockatoo's nest". I realize that this description reads as if it were written by Kevin from The Office but I am sincerely in awe by how simultaneously straight forward and complex this character is. Sonja Blue manages to exude a distinct sexuality without become trashy or cheap. These books are extremely sexual but they never fall prey to cheap thrills so apparent in the mass of terrible vampires stories flooding the market these days. Ms. Blue, a former socialite and at one time known as Denise Thorn, was transformed into a vampire against her will. Upon her blood rape she dedicates herself to a life of vampire slaying. She kills the bad guys and helps the good guys. It's pretty simple, except there is this thing inside of her that she simply refers to as "the other" that is constantly bargaining for a way to get control. It's sort of like a split personality. Occasionally, Sonja finds herself in a bad spot and the Other has a way of making problems disappear. Think of it as your little devil on the shoulder, only this little devil murders people indiscriminately when you black out.
4. Ruth Harkness- Bane of Floyd Tangier Smith
Similar to Sonja Blue, Ruth Harkness was, at one time, a social butterfly. (She wasn't a vampire though and she was actually a real lady.) She was an adventurer, philosopher, renegade and so much more. Married to Bill Harkness, an explorer who spent much of their short marriage in the field, Ruth took up Bill's journey when he died in Shanghai of throat cancer. She was the first person to bring back a baby giant panda, alive to the states to the disbelief of her rivals....well and everyone really. Even her friends were certain that she was insane and would inevitably end up dead in the jungle. I have recently been reading "The Lady and the Panda" and I sincerely recommend it. It talks about her expeditions to the east where she finally finds a place that feels somewhat like home. She is by far one of the most courageous women I have had the chance to read about. From Titusville, Pa she traveled with only 25$ to New York where she began a life as a dress maker. When she went on her journey several years later she had never been on an expedition much less planned and had no clue of what she was doing. A man by the name Floyd Tangier Smith tried to exploit her newness to the field and tried to talk her into hiring him to head up her expedition. The problem was, he was terrible at panda trapping. The panda's routinely died or something mysterious would befall his camp. He always had an excuse to explain his grocery list of failures. So many people condescended her, certain that she, a woman, a dress maker would not succeed and would probably just disappear. She did not however and managed to capture many panda's. After a time, however, she became disillusioned and couldn't stand the idea of taking another panda from the jungle. During this time she had, in her possession, a very lively, hell raising, baby panda that she took back to the place it had been found set it free. Floyd Tangier Smith became very upset at Ruth Harkness as did many of the men that were involved with her expeditions even though she always spoke of them kindly and with great diplomacy. After finishing the book it seems to me that they all became very jealous of the spotlight that she attracted without even trying. Hunting clubs would often invite her to bring the panda, which she carried around like a baby, and they always insisted very publicly that the panda was in the ONLY guest of honor. They didn't even address her with questions while she was there but asked the panda directly. She was an outcast in a lot of ways, with a wandering spirit and she only experienced fleeting moments of peace.
5. Joycelyn Elders- Bane of Christians and Fundamentalist Pro-Lifers
SO awhile back I watched "Lake of Fire" and aside from the slight melodrama present in many documentary style films it really does a good job of showing several different views on the abortion issue. There's some footage of a speech given by the Surgeon General under the Clinton administration, Joycelyn Elders. She is most famous for her supposed interest in masturbation. Well, that's what everyone was saying anyway. She was actually just a woman with a lot of common sense. She was in favor of educating the public and preventing unwanted pregnancies by the use of condoms and birth control. As a passing comment she encouraged masturbation considering the safety of it and people couldn't seem to let that go. One thing she said was, "We're sexual beings from the time we're born until we die, and we need to make sure we understand our sexuality and realize that sex is about more than procreation." We all know how dangerous rationality can be for someone involved with politics. Eventually, she was fired. I personally am Pro-choice but not because I want to kill babies, which if you speak to most pro-choice people they will agree with this sentiment. As a side note, I find it funny that the same people who scream about being staunchly pro-life are the same people screaming about how the government is going to take away their arsenal of rifles because that's in the Constitution. Well, so is the right to choose so get the fuck over it. Anyway, Joycelyn Elders. Here are a few more of her quotes. On people who say condoms aren't 100% reliable: "Condoms will break, but I can sure you that vows of abstinence will break more easily than condoms." "I want every child that's born in the world to be planned and wanted." On why we should be focused on promoting contraception: "I never knew a woman who needed an abortion who wasn't already pregnant. Let's get real." “If I could make any changes at all to the current health care system, you know I would start with education, education, education. You can't educate people that are not healthy. But you certainly can't keep them healthy if they're not educated.” Read about this woman. She will rock your world.
6. Tank Girl-Bane of Water and Power
Ok. It's was difficult to decide whether or not to put her on here because she is almost always next to naked. However, considering she's a comic book character and she was drawn by a dude I feel that it's totally not her fault and thus should not discount her from my list. Also, she never seems to be exploiting her nudity in that good old fashioned Lady Gaga sort of way. Instead she just seems completely crazy. A personally decorated tank serves as a house/vehicle combo in post apocalyptic-Australia, where water is scarce and most of the world is desert. While I was researching her I found out that apparently when she was a baby her first words were "cauliflower penis". She has a mutated kangaroo for a boyfriend. He follows her around like a puppy but when duty calls he is a fighting machine. Also, his name is Booger. So yeah, she's a little hard to describe. It was a British based comic and then a fun movie and you can even find a complete "herstory" on Tank Girl. Tank Girl is extremely 90's so the tone is very light-hearted. If you don't want the commitment of comics then watch the movie because it's funny, there's a big musical number and lots of booger jokes.
7. Samantha (The German Shepard from "I am Legend") Bane of Loneliness for Robert Neville
You may say, "But this is a puppy dog! How can a puppy dog count on a list of Ladies that Rock (While Keeping their Clothes ON)?" To that I respond, First off, a dog can totally be a lady. Second as long as Megan Fox is considered an actress, Samantha counts. Samantha is beautiful and has not, as far as I'm aware, auditioned for anything by washing Michael Bay's car in a bikini. Facts being what they are, my respect level for her is velry high. I was watching this movie and the whole time I just assumed she was a male dog. Then he calls her Samantha and I was shocked. Of course she was a she. Why not? How I love the androgyny of some animals. (Let's also say here that the book is way different from the movie but I may have been one of 5 people that liked it. Aside from drooling middle America. They'll take anything they can get. Example: Transformers 1 and 2 and anything made by Kevin Smith.) I'm a big sucker for animals in pretty much any respect but Sam is strong and she has manners. She is definitely a lady that deserves to be on this list. Although, I guess since she is only wearing a collar she is sort of naked.....hmm
So that pretty much sums it up. I'm still adding to my list but I think this is a good start. Also, fuck Dido.
