Have you lost weight? No! I've got huge tits!

So at one time I was big. Like 210lbs. Like a size 20. Which, is not to say that those things are bad but I personally felt awwwwwwwfullllll. Chest pains, migraines, dizzy spells you name it I was dealing with it. My family has a history of heart disease, diabetes among other things so I decided one day that I'd had enough. I wasn't going to live my life taking pills and living in a constant state of anxiety. I started eating healthy and working out. I lost about 80lbs and several jean sizes. I'm now in a 6. Really, though, I don't like the whole number thing with jeans because you can have 50 pairs of 8's or 2's or 10's and they're all the same size but to give you a reference point I shrank quite a bit.

I hate clothes. I hate them. They continue on a daily basis to taunt me and distract me. I hate shopping for them and most days I even hate wearing them. Not that I would rather be naked but I just hate that they are so linked to my self worth. I can logically understand that being thin doesn't make you happy or feel beautiful. But my knee jerk reactions, well those I have a much harder time reigning in.

At this point I don't have many things. I mean I'm homeless, I have 3 pair of pants, no car and I don't see that this will be changing any time soon. So the things I do wear are pretty important to me. Sooooo, when I randomly pull on a pair of pants that I haven't worn in awhile, if they are the slightest bit snug it ruins my day.

But......

This is the thing that really pisses me off. I go to see people I knew back in the day and they say things like, "Oh hey! What happened to that little chubby girl you used to be?" Or "You used to be the fat one!" Or "Yeah I can see you've lost weight. What are you a size 12?" (Again not a bad size to be. But when their faces sneer and growl at me, it's frustrating!) Or "My God! Your tits are huge!" All of these things have been said to me. The list grows every day. All spoken by women. Ladies, do me a favor. Shut up! Stop, please! It dents my brain! I can barely function as a normal thing in the first place.

Anyway, here's the moral of the story. Clothes suck, the media sucks, women suck at talking objectively about other women and apparently I still need to lose weight.

You're So Mean

So I've been thinking about it and I'm going to try and be nicer...online that is. I have a tendency to be pretty intense when I'm typing. A lot of people seem to be that way but that's no excuse. There's something about the anonymity that gives you a false sense of security and an overinflated sense of power. Maybe because as a people we have lost the art of conversation or the fact that our record keeping has changed. Back in the day things were written down because they were important and people wanted to remember them, they became a part of history. Now all of these blogs and things....everyone has something to say and in the grand scheme, Jill's review of the new Band of Horses album doesn't really matter to me but it might really matter to Jill. Everyone has a right to post whatever crap they want to...wait. That was an example of me not doing the exact thing that I am trying to do. In my personal life I have a hard time being mean to people so it might be that I save it all up and then when I start writing POW! Either way. I'm going to be nicer. A little nicer. Maybe.

Hello again

It's been awhile since I've written and this will be brief. So many people have blogs these days and it's beginning to become apparent that the knack for telling a story is like an endangered species. In fact it seems sometimes like it might already be dead.

Many things have happened to me in my life and it is taking me some time to put them in a cohesive story and story telling requires organization, the ability to edit oneself and some amount of ego, no matter how fragile it may be. My grammar isn't perfect and my execution may not always be flawless but I write because I am driven to do so. Even saying this makes the bile rise in my throat. Who wants to hear my shit? Also, please note my rampant use of run on sentences.

I hate the way so many of my writings come out. They just seem to tumble out and I am left with this pile of junk to figure out. I guess that isn't exactly uncommon. Whatever, anyway, I am still out here. And I am working again. In my way. Also, what the fuck is up with people alternating their caps? LiKe ThIs?