Dealing with Divorce My Story Pt 1

It would seem, at least by some standards, that I am failing at life. I don't particularly feel depressed about this since I don't exactly have the same goals as most human beings. Here are the facts. I have been foreclosed upon. I have some debt, although, probably not as much as most Americans boast. In my education I have managed to get my Associates, which is basically like saying "No really, I don't want this job." And all of this by 25. That doesn't even begin to touch the shit I experienced in my childhood but I may get to that. My most recent achievement is not nearly as taboo as it once was but there are definitely misconceptions about your character when you mention that you're divorced.

No, my family didn't shun me. Laugh all you want but being from the Bible Belt makes that a legitimate concern. My parents are divorced and though that doesn't out rightly imply that they should accept my own split it does allow a way for me to point out their inconsistencies if they don't. I wouldn't say that everyone has been as open as my family but there are bound to be a few.......uncomfortable situations when something of this nature occurs in someone's life. You spend time weaving your life together with someone else and then find that when you go to unwind it there are a magnitude of knots; a rash of collateral damage that you couldn't have anticipated.

I was married a month after I turned 18. My mom tells me now about things that I said when I told her about my decision. Those things were obvious warning signs which would inspire the current me slap old me right in the mouth. I won't repeat them because I just don't see that you need to know what was said. However, the fact remains, in May 2002, I was not ready to be married. It wasn't the fact that I thought I knew everything as most people might think. I had absolutely no idea what I wanted to do in any capacity. I was terrified. I had never really had any serious relationships prior to this one. In fact, most guys that I happened to be close to seemed content being my friend and talking with me about the girls they actually had crushes on.

I was and still am a very damaged person. In the 5th or 6th grade I got reprimanded for talking too quietly and had to write sentences. I had a couple of teachers try to "save" me by harassing me endlessly and making me a project. I was on the receiving end of many "I know you have so much better inside of you" "This is crap. Try harder" motivational speeches, when in most subjects I was doing just as well as the other kids while simultaneously dealing with a violently abusive home life. I used to get so nervous in crowds that I would break out into hives and feel faint. The summer before I started the 3rd grade my Mom had this panic attack that seemed very much like a heart attack. That school year I missed 72 days.

While I have moved on, my past has certainly engraved certain neurosis into my personality. I am somewhat better but I pretty much stick to myself. As for the me that I was when I got married, I was basically this neutral being in a lot of ways; without identity. I had a few things figured out but mostly I just knew I had to do something different or I was going to go insane.

So I got married.